As I woke up this morning and pulled on my yoga pants, that were left like firefighter turnout gear on the floor next to my bed, I was instantly thinking about you.  

Not your breakfast or what I would scrounge up for your lunch (I’ll probably feel guilty about that half ass effort later), but the constant struggle I feel to teach you independence while also protecting you from EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE at all times.

This instant thought is the result of wisely spending my time on social media last night before bed. I know better. I tell others not to! But there I was… reading a post about how Sally was fine with her child having social media because she regularly checks it all, but Sue was not because you can never see all of the things they look at. But Sally said that we should be guiding them through social media because it is part of our world now… Sue wasn’t having it. Neither was Sarah. Oh had I not mentioned that Sarah was quietly liking certain comments but not others to show her support? Sally needed back up and thankfully Sam came to her rescue and fully supported Sue’s child being on social media because her child has been on it for awhile and hasn’t had any problems.

If we can get past the irony of this debate taking place on social media, then let’s try and deconstruct what Sally, Sue, Sarah, and Sam were all going through. Four different moms, 4 different kids, 4 different households, and 4 different writing styles to convey their points of view which will be misconstrued by anyone who disagrees with it. What could go wrong?! This is purely speculation, but I’m guessing that no one left that debate feeling great. I wasn’t even a part of it, but I left it feeling doubt, fear, and worried that my name didn’t start with an S.

So number one is that I shouldn’t have read it. Should you? Yes, go for it! But I personally can’t read something like that and not get in my head about it. But here’s the thing, do you consider all the aspects of those thoughts and opinions? Like, if you are judging Sally and Sam for letting there kids have social media, did you know that Sally and her husband have recently gotten divorced and the phone became the lifeline for her child to communicate with both parents and that the social media apps seemed fun and were giving her child some joy during a very difficult situation? No? Yeah, neither did I because I DON’T KNOW THEM! Yelling for the people in the back to hear. I don’t know any of them. It feels like I do because they are in the same Mom’s group I’m in for our city, but I don’t. And let’s not forget Sue and Sarah… they are adamant that our kids will be bullied or become depressed or get sex trafficked. All valid concerns and maybe Sue has already had a negative experience on social media to validate them. Don’t know.

But as I go round and round with these thoughts, it occurs to me that I’m suddenly also concerned about what other’s think of my own decisions concerning my kids. How did that happen? And was that even what I was initially worried about? But that’s the sneaky part of social media… the killer of joy… the comparison trap. I walked right in it and didn’t even realize it until I wondered if one of my dear friends was a Sally or a Sue!

So now I have multiple issues I’m worried about and it’s almost midnight. And what even started all of this? Oh yes… because I was on social media trying to relax.

Now before y’all jump in and say that you wouldn’t have thought about all of it like that, I will throw out my disclaimer… that is the point. None of us think in the same way, we don’t process things in the same way, and we don’t “hear” text in the same way. I agree. Stalemate. I don’t know what’s best for you and your family and you don’t know what’s best for mine. Opinions can be extremely helpful in certain situations, but be prepared to filter them into a place that isn’t just causing noise that drowns out your own instincts and thoughts.

So is this post about social media? Is it about letting our children have freedom and independence? Is it about a new book I’m writing where Sally, Sue, Sarah, and Sam all come together to start a podcast to stop them from being on social media? Or is it maybe, just a reminder that as a forty year old woman, even I got discouraged, sad, and sleepless over an online conversation that I wasn’t even a part of, hadn’t even been thinking about, and should have known better than to take to heart… but I did.

And I think I just answered MY own question on whether or not MY kids are ready to handle social media at their ages.

xoxo

B

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There is a term that I need all of you to recognize before we go any further though.

Term:  TheySayers

Meaning:  Those that say the things.

So I found that most of the advice given is from these TheySayers.  For example: “They say that time heals all wounds”  ” They say that love lasts forever”  “They say that good things take time”  “They say if you love something, to set it free”  “They say that I’m crazy.”  Ok, that last one has only been said a few times.  But who are these TheySayers?! They must get tired… so much advice.

I say these things a bit facetiously, but I do understand the sentiments behind them when they are shared.  It’s the knowledge that there isn’t a perfect thing to say to someone who is picking up the pieces of their heart, who is battling cancer, who is struggling with depression, who is battling addiction, who has just lost the love of their life, who is feeling lost.  If I knew the words that could make me feel better on down days then I would have tattooed them on my face!

We’ve all adopted the TheySayers thoughts as go to’s in times of distress.  And I’m guilty too (raises hand)!  I have sat, hand in hand, with my dear friend hours after her husband died in an accident and not had one word in my mind that could possibly bring comfort or meaning to her.  I’ve sat with my 9 year old while he couldn’t sleep for nights after a traumatic loss and literally begged my brain to find the words! But once you have truly known that kind of grief, you know that the TheySayers had good intentions, but brought no comfort.

So how do we give comfort? How do we receive comfort?

We don’t put our expectations on them.

Let that soak in.  We don’t get to decide how they handle their situation.  We don’t get to decide when they should stop feeling bad.  We don’t get to judge who they want to talk to or don’t want to talk to.  We don’t get to feel bad that they didn’t take our advice.  And why?  Because every single situation is different.  It is never cut and dry.  One person’s walk through grief is explosive and angry and they are going to tell you about it, while another’s is silent and long and happens in waves and neither way is wrong.

But how do we know what to do for them, Bridget?! Good question.  I’m still working on that but the one tried and true method I have is doing two things.

1. Prayer/ Good thoughts/ Good vibes- whatever your choice is.  For me personally, I pray for God to surround them in love and comfort and provide them with the right people to help them through such a difficult time and if that’s me, then I am happy to serve.  Give them the love of your thoughts.  Don’t forget them.
2. Which leads to number two.  Has it been on your mind to call them, but maybe you haven’t because of the aforementioned, I have no clue what to say convo?  I get it.  Text them and say you just had them on your mind and you’re sending love.  It’s that simple.

To feel that you have not been forgotten, that your pain is not invisible, is a huge gift.  Don’t understand what someone else is going through? Take heart, they may not know exactly what they are going through either and may just need to know they aren’t alone.  Don’t forget them.  Their silence, while suffering, is not usually a choice.

Matthew 5:4 Says ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’

Can we fix, can we change, can we talk it away? Probably not.  Can we comfort? Yes.  In the smallest ways anyone can bring comfort.  Never decide that what you can offer is not enough.  A text, a call, a milk shake on a random afternoon.

Let’s provide the comfort and let the TheySayers rest for a bit.

xoxo

Bridget

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